Be strong and of a
good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will
not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Yesterday started great with an awesome service at our
church and the day with friends was really nice. But when I picked up my kids from
their mom, I had to deal with the new man in her life that unexpectedly was
invited to her Christmas lunch. From a high to a low in mere seconds. I realised
that I am far from ready to move on and just accept everything. Suddenly the
hurt of loss, pain and guilt flooded my system and I stood again in front of
the door of giving up.
I always say this is the silly season, but my goodness it
went from silly to ridiculous in moments. I realised that I have no idea how to
deal with this. I am not even closely equipped to handle this. When it comes to
my kids, I am not good at sharing and I am in no way prepared for that. So, the
roller-coaster of emotions ran through my mind all night.
I woke this morning with still no answer of how to do this
and I do not think I will have an answer tomorrow. I stared at the giving up
door for a long time thinking why do I just not quit and just give up this
fight. Why do I even try? It is all my fault and I guess that makes it even
harder. It is really hard to stand in this storm.
I stared at my roof for a long time going through thousands
of scenarios and options of what I can do. Sell the house… maybe. Leave the
country…. Possibly. Jump of a bridge… could be done. So, as I lay there in my bed
feeling miserable and very sorry for myself, I kept asking the question why. Why?
Why? Why?
I realised that thousands of other people go through the
same challenges and the same pain and I remembered this: “I will never leave nor;
will I ever forsake you”. I realised that this immense feeling of brokenness and
desertion is hard but when you look closely you will see God carrying me
through it. He’s got me safely in His hands as He keep on reminding me that He
loves me and that my mistakes are forgiven. I can let go of it and leave it in
His hands. I realised that if it was not for His love and grace I would have
been in a much worse state.
So, I got up and I walked to my garage and I trained. I may
be broken, and I may be in a thousand pieces, but I am in His hands. I may seem
weak and lost but His voice remains my guide. I may have failed my God a
hundred times, but His love for me never changes. I may feel like the worst
father in the world, but the true father to my kids is my Father in heaven.
So, I will stand up again, like I have done so many times
before. I will rise up and I will break these chains again. I will not let the
enemy get to me, but I will keep fighting him at every corner and in every
moment of every day. I will rise up stronger and full of courage.
Have an awesome day dear friend of Jesus.
Cheers
