For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith
the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11)
So, yesterday ended in chaos. I allowed anger and
frustration to get the better of me and now, well now there is always regret. You
see that is exactly what the enemy wants. He will feed your anger furnace until
you do something stupid and then it is to late. I am so tired, but it is not a
physical tiredness, it is emotional. I am totally drained of my strength and it
feels as if I need a week’s sleep. I have never been this broken before and I have
never seen this much pain. It is really hard to work through and I have come to
a point where I will have to see my pastor.
I love this verse. In the midst of one of my largest storms
God sends me this one. He says He knows the thoughts that He thinks towards me.
Now I would think that God would be disappointed and angry at me, but instead He
thinks thoughts of peace over me and not evil to the extend that I will get my
expected end.
I just want all this to go away. I want all this hurt to
leave me and I want to have my boys with me. That is all I want. I just want my
boys and I want them to be safe. That is my expected end. I know God works in His
way and His pace and His time is always perfect, but I would love to wake up
tomorrow and it is all over and done.
All that is left is for me is to take more time into prayer and
to truly and deeply share my inner most hurt with the Lord and give this pain
and burden over. I should stop allowing it to hurt me and I should allow God to
work healing into my spirit, because I think my pain is that deep. The tough
part is that my pain is increased by guilt and blame and that I have to get out.
I still blame me for it all and that is unfair. It is not all me. There are two
sides to every story, and I keep allowing the enemy to give me all the blame.
My prayer is simple. Lord take this burden away from me and
forgive my enemies and them that gave me this hurt, for they do not know what
they are doing. Free me from this pain and guilt and rebuild me to your expected
end.
Have an awesome day dear friend of Jesus.
Cheers
