Sunday, 10 May 2015

Today Reminder – 10 May 2015 (Day 3 – Darkness)

A reminder for today
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine (Isaiah 9:2)

My darkness now is much greater than ever before. In the last month I have fallen into a deeper and more severe darkness. I have caused those close to me a great deal of pain in my own fall and with my mistakes. These mistakes have followed me for many years and finally broke the surface and caused terrible sadness to those close to me.

You see an affair I had now destroyed my marriage and brought so much pain into my life and the lives of other. In the last few months I have questioned my own beliefs and the very relationship I had with Jesus. I have been called a hypocrite and rightly so, because the very truth I stand for are now the stones that I have to face. I have betrayed my God and I have lost everything. 

I stand in darkness as my world collapses around me and I battle to hold on to Him as I have lost my faith and fear now dwells in its place.

I am so broken as I face daily judgements. I look into the eyes of my little boys and my heart splinters into pieces. I am filled with regret as I judge myself and punish myself for what I have done. Yes, we have had our differences but in the end it is all my fault and I now have to live with that and it is killing me.

My land is dark as I stand before the Lord broken and in pieces seeking His face and His guidance. I feel so lost as I walk each step lost and alone. 

It is funny how we feel alone on our battles and how we try to decide how God will react and how angry He is at us. I have done so much wrong and I am terrified to look people in the eye because of what I have done in my life. Jesus says that His grace is enough and no matter our mistakes and how terrible our sins, He has taken this burden on His shoulders and on the cross. I need to find my forgiveness in myself and break the grip that satan now holds on me. I need to find my path back to the light and be better for I am His child and as much as I think I understand love I can never comprehend His love for us.

I am struggling, but I know He is with me. There is light even in my darkness.

Have and awesome day dear friend of Jesus