A
reminder for today
The
people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a
land of deep darkness, a light will shine (Isaiah 9:2)
My darkness now is much greater than ever before. In the
last month I have fallen into a deeper and more severe darkness. I have caused
those close to me a great deal of pain in my own fall and with my mistakes. These
mistakes have followed me for many years and finally broke the surface and
caused terrible sadness to those close to me.
You see an affair I had now destroyed my marriage and brought
so much pain into my life and the lives of other. In the last few months I have
questioned my own beliefs and the very relationship I had with Jesus. I have
been called a hypocrite and rightly so, because the very truth I stand for are
now the stones that I have to face. I have betrayed my God and I have lost
everything.
I stand in darkness as my world collapses around me and I
battle to hold on to Him as I have lost my faith and fear now dwells in its
place.
I am so broken as I face daily judgements. I look into
the eyes of my little boys and my heart splinters into pieces. I am filled with
regret as I judge myself and punish myself for what I have done. Yes, we have
had our differences but in the end it is all my fault and I now have to live
with that and it is killing me.
My land is dark as I stand before the Lord broken and in
pieces seeking His face and His guidance. I feel so lost as I walk each step
lost and alone.
It is funny how we feel alone on our battles and how we
try to decide how God will react and how angry He is at us. I have done so much
wrong and I am terrified to look people in the eye because of what I have done
in my life. Jesus says that His grace is enough and no matter our mistakes and
how terrible our sins, He has taken this burden on His shoulders and on the
cross. I need to find my forgiveness in myself and break the grip that satan
now holds on me. I need to find my path back to the light and be better for I am
His child and as much as I think I understand love I can never comprehend His
love for us.
I am struggling, but I know He is with me. There is light
even in my darkness.
Have and awesome day dear friend of Jesus
Cheers
